THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF HUMORIST PETER PHELAN
I've always felt my friends respected my chosen profession. Why wouldn’t they? Employers have faced personnel challenges since the first prehistoric man received remunerated help from another. The skills of finding, developing and keeping the right people are critical to the success of any organization. Recently, I was having a drink with an old buddy. We came to discuss how people are often defined by their jobs. I was jarred to hear my companion, a lawyer, remark, “I envy you your professional anonymity. People wouldn’t tend to make a standard set of assumptions like they do about lawyers.” I was tempted to hit him with the one about lawyers seeming to live longer than anyone else, judging by their billable hours. He went on, “Employee Benefits, and HR in general, have that quality shared by fields in the early stages of professionalization. People don’t know quite what to make of you.” I protested, saying that I’ve seen a trend toward a growing appreciation of the key importance of our function. Following is the brief history of the Phelan clan I felt obliged to share with him.
At the octagonal table of the great third century chieftain Brian the Reddish there was always a seat reserved for the Buchaill Binifit. And for as many generations as there is record, members of the Phelan clan fulfilled this key duty. The source of the original family name Phelan(k), shrouded in mystery for centuries, was recently determined by an expert in ancient Celtic numerology to carry a value of 401(k).
The importance of the benefits profession was never underestimated by the Celtic lords of old. It was felt a knight could take a far more aggressive stance in battle if he had ample non-accidental death and dismemberment (N-AD&D) coverage. Similarly, guarantees of full reimbursement for any brand-name potions or poultices needed to treat wounds could only boost courage.
Always known for finding new ways to add value, Oisin Phelan invented a form of direct deposit around the year 300. He would thunder through town on his great white steed throwing bags of coins through the doors of warriors huts.
Think that offering terminating employees the option to continue medical benefits is a late 20th century innovation? Cormac Og Phelan laid the foundation over one and a half millennia ago. After St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland in the 5th century, chieftains were left with empty snake pits. It was a great source of embarrassment. One couldn’t strike fear into a captive by threatening to throw them into a snakeless snake pit. Young Cormac suggested that if departing employees pledged to provide the king with a supply of imported reptiles, they would in turn retain their medical benefits for up to eighteen months. This hugely popular program came to be known as the Cobra privilege.
Always great believers in the value of a generous benefits package, it is said Finbar Phelan went a little too far in the year 850. He instituted a medical plan that reimbursed 150% of claims, provided the services were rendered by a network physician or apothecary. Many a knight overdid the leaches as they were making money off the deal. One group came to be known as the white knights of Ardee, so pale was their complexion from the leach activity. Their ghost-like appearance was said to be a terrifying sight for their enemies to behold, but they had an often fatal habit of fainting on the battlefield.
During the dark ages when the treasuries were near depletion, the Phelans had to make difficult cost-cutting decisions. Seamus Phelan is said to have sighed with regret the day he made the landmark Amendment 1. The new plan language made the black death the first pre-existing condition to be excluded from medical coverage.
An adventurous people, one branch of the clan decided to make the move to the new world. Their vessel, The Juneflower, landed on the Massachusetts coast in the early part of the seventeenth century. Within a few years, they established a thriving benefits consulting practice. Unfortunately, not very long after that, they were driven from the locale. Word got out that an ancestor had once reimbursed a medical plan claim for an elixir made by an alchemist. Apparently, a failed attempt to turn lead into gold had resulted in a byproduct that cured athlete’s foot. The expense was reimbursed at 80%. This was seen by the civic leaders as being a little too close to an endorsement of witchcraft.
My friend heard that our kin have seen dental plans develop from subsidized visits to Sir. Extractalot, through providing wooden dentures, to cost-sharing on the amazing work of the implantologist. I had to explain to my friend that the Phelans have had benefits coursing through their veins since the dawn of civilization. I feel that if I exaggerated anything it was in the hope that he’ll never again forget that any profession may have a very rich tradition.
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